The Pause Before the Shout: Breaking Cycles of Stress and Overreaction in Parenting

A week ago we had a family meeting. It was uncomfortable. The kids were mostly open and easily engaging.

They talked about me getting stressed. About how when I’m overloaded, irritation shows up. How I can react strongly to small things that aren’t actually important. How I get impatient, or mad, or reactive in ways that feel bigger than the situation deserves.

That really disturbed me. Because I could hear that my stress was spilling over onto them in a way I don’t want. I knew I was stressed, but I didn’t see how they were digesting and taking it in.

Later, Niels pointed to something very specific. The mornings. I had become a drill sergeant: “5 minutes. 5 minutes. You are going to miss the bus.” It was unnecessary. They have rarely missed the bus.

He said, “Those few stressed minutes before school create a bad atmosphere. And we want to send our kids off with love, not stress.”

He was right.

In the past, when I got stressed, he got triggered. And his reaction to my stress left me feeling attacked. Judged. Like I was being told I was doing something wrong. Instead of helping with my stress, it made me angry, defensive, and more triggered. No more likely to contain my activation.

After the kids left, I told him something very directly.

When you see me getting stressed and respond that way, I feel worse. But if you came toward me instead, if you put a hand on me and said, I see you’re stressed. What do you need? How can I help? it would help me slow down. It would give me another move instead of reacting.

He said yes. And something opened there.

The next morning I felt the familiar stress starting. That nervous energy building. The impulse to call downstairs: “Are you ready? Are you coming? You’re going to be late.”

But this time I noticed it in my body first. A heavy stone of discomfort sitting in the center of my chest, between the bottom of my sternum and the top of my stomach.

Instead of calling out, I went into the kitchen where Niels was squeezing orange juice and said, “I’m feeling stressed. I want to call down to the kids.”

He said, “Don’t worry. I’ll check.”

And with that, there was nothing for me to do. I could feel the tension sitting there in my body. I stayed with it instead of moving into action. I didn’t call downstairs telling everyone to hurry. I didn’t spread the stress through the house. I didn’t have to react.

And I realized something very physical: the feeling could exist without turning into behavior. I didn’t have to follow the automatic pattern. Everything was actually okay.

That morning went differently. And then the next one. And the next.

It has been five days in a row without that familiar escalation. No rushing energy. No snapping. No stressed atmosphere.

What changed wasn’t forcing myself to be calmer. It was noticing the trigger earlier. Feeling it in my body. Going to him instead of managing it alone. Letting myself be co-regulated instead of moving straight into reaction.

From the outside, it looks small. Just mornings. But inside the cycle, it feels huge. A tiny interruption between trigger and reaction.

For a long time, I thought my reactions were just part of who I am. Automatic. But sometimes the change is subtler than we expect. It happens earlier, in the body, in the pause before the shout.

The shift didn’t happen when I tried to be calmer. It happened when I stayed with the feeling before it became behavior.

Are you interested in working on your personal development? Are you looking for a life coach or a life consultant? Are you feeling stagnant? Do you want to jumpstart change?

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*Awareness is knowing what you genuinely want and need.

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*Action is when you are conscious that what you say, do and think are in harmony with your values.

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