Resilience Requires Struggle: Lessons from Dr. Becky

We all want to raise confident, capable kids. Kids who can face challenges, move through discomfort, and believe in their own ability to figure things out.

Ironically, most of the things we do to protect our children from frustration are the very things that get in the way of their confidence.

As Dr. Becky Kennedy says, the antidote to anxiety isn’t soothing or reassurance. It’s capability. Not telling our kids they’ll be fine, or distracting them away from pain, disappointment, frustration, or sadness—but helping them feel what it’s like to struggle and still come through.

This only happens in “the learning space”—the gap between not knowing and mastery. The space that is, by definition, frustrating. Not because anything is wrong, but because something is happening. Something is being built.

Frustration isn’t just a feeling—it’s part of the biology of learning. When a child is struggling, the brain releases adrenaline and norepinephrine. These stress hormones increase focus, heighten alertness, and—most importantly—activate neuroplasticity, the brain’s ability to change and form new pathways. In other words, frustration creates the conditions for learning.

If everything is ease and flow, the brain doesn’t get the signal to adapt. It stays in the familiar lane. But when a child hits a wall and feels stuck—and stays with it—their brain starts to rewire. That uncomfortable moment is the very moment when growth becomes possible. If we rush to rescue, we shut the door before their brain gets a chance to walk through it.

And it’s not just convenience we’re chasing—it’s predictability. We want to know what’s coming, how long it will take, and that everything will be okay in the end. We give our kids warnings about everything that might feel scary or unfamiliar, trying to pre-empt every discomfort. But in doing so, we reinforce the idea that the unknown is unsafe.

And yet, the learning space is nothing but the unknown. A child doesn’t know how long it will take to figure something out. They don’t know when the discomfort will end. That’s what makes it so hard. That’s also what makes it transformational. The stretch from “I can’t do this” to “I did it” doesn’t come with a roadmap. It asks us to sit inside something open-ended—and stay there.

But sitting with the unknown means sitting with emotion. And that’s where things get even harder. We’ve not only trained ourselves to avoid uncertainty—we’ve trained ourselves to avoid the feelings that come with it. Frustration, anger, disappointment, fear. Feelings we’ve labeled as “bad” instead of “big.” Uncomfortable instead of useful.

We’ve taught kids that certain emotions are dangerous. That anger should be shut down. That sadness makes people uncomfortable. That frustration is something to avoid. But the real issue isn’t the emotion—it’s the intensity. And if no one teaches you how to modulate that intensity, the only strategy left is to turn it off completely.

That’s what we’ve created: a culture of emotional on/off switches. If it’s too much, shut it down. If it’s uncomfortable, bypass it. But emotions aren’t binary. They’re not problems to eliminate. They’re signals. And what kids need isn’t less emotion—they need the tools to work with emotion. To dial it up, to dial it down, to understand how strong it is and how much of it needs to come out.

This is what the dimmer switch teaches. Emotional fluency means being able to stay with a feeling, turn the volume down when needed, and express it in a way that can actually be heard. Without that, kids grow up disconnected from what they feel—afraid of their own reactions, or overwhelmed by them. And then we wonder why they shut down, explode, or numb out.

And again, here’s the other truth: we’re not just making it easy for them. We’re making it easier for us. Giving the kid the iPad so we don’t have to deal with the tantrum. Finishing the math problem for them because we’re tired and just want it done. Skipping the emotional meltdown with a quick fix so we can move on with our day. That short-term ease becomes a long-term disaster—kids ill-prepared for the real challenges of life.

We call it “helping,” but often, it’s relieving our discomfort, not theirs.

We don’t have to pave a frictionless path. In fact, doing so would be a disservice. It might look kind on the surface, but it sends the message: “I don’t think you can handle this.”

What if the most loving thing we can say is:

“I see you. I know this is hard. And I believe you can move through it.”

What if frustration wasn’t something to fix—but something to sit in?

Are you interested in working on your personal development? Are you looking for a life coach or a life consultant? Are you feeling stagnant? Do you want to jumpstart change?

 My transformational approach is a process where awareness, alignment, and action work together as catalysts to create momentum for change. 

*Awareness is knowing what you genuinely want and need.

*Alignment is the symmetry between our values and our actions. It means our inner and outer worlds match.

*Action is when you are conscious that what you say, do and think are in harmony with your values.

Together we build an understanding of what you want to accomplish, and delve deeply into building awareness around any thoughts and assumptions that you may already have. To truly transform your life, I will empower you to rethink what’s possible for you.

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