Talking to Kids About Consent
A few years ago, there was the case of Gisèle Pelicot in France. Her husband was drugging her and arranging for other men to rape her while she was unconscious. Now there is the Cornell case, with allegations involving several fraternity members and messages in a group chat referring to a woman as “free pussy.”
These stories are horrifying, but they also raise a very simple question: Are we actually talking clearly enough with our kids about consent?
There is a video about consent that I think every parent should show their kids. It uses tea.
The idea is simple. If you ask someone whether they want tea and they say yes, great. If they say no, you do not give them tea. If they say yes and then change their mind, they do not have to drink it. If they drank tea with you yesterday, that does not mean they want tea today. If they start drinking and then stop, they get to stop. If they are unconscious, you do not pour tea into their mouth.
Once you take sex out of the equation, there is very little to debate. Do they want the tea? That is really the question.
I think sometimes parents make conversations about consent too complicated. We think we need to talk about feminism, rape culture, pornography, gender, power, alcohol, hookup culture, and everything else surrounding sex.
Those conversations may matter. But this one does not need to be complicated.
You can say to your son or daughter: When you are sexual with another person, you need to know that they want what is happening. If you are not sure, ask.
Going home with someone is not consent. Kissing someone is not consent to everything that follows. Having had sex before is not consent tonight. Someone who changes their mind gets to change their mind. Someone who is unconscious cannot consent.
It really can be that simple.
