The Four Habits That Are Destroying Your Relationship
If you want your conflicts to be productive rather than destructive, it’s time to cut out behaviors that undermine real communication. Conflict should be about solving a problem, not proving a point or asserting dominance. If your goal is to connect, then you need to avoid anything that makes the other person shut down, become defensive, or feel diminished.
Here are four habits that have no place in a healthy discussion:
Mimicry: Mocking or imitating your partner’s words, tone, or mannerisms might feel like an easy way to make a point, but it does nothing but escalate the conflict. Mimicry turns a discussion into a performance, making your partner feel ridiculed rather than heard. When someone feels mocked, they stop listening and start defending themselves. If your goal is resolution, mimicry is a dead end.
Absolute Statements: Words like "always" and "never" are shortcuts to defensiveness. They paint your partner with a broad brush, turning a single mistake or frustration into a permanent character flaw. No one wants to be defined by their worst moments. Instead of saying, "You never listen to me," try, "I feel unheard when this happens." Shifting from absolutes to specifics allows for conversation rather than combat.
Haughtiness: A sense of superiority kills connection. Speaking as though you are above your partner—smarter, more rational, more evolved—doesn’t make them more receptive to your point. It makes them feel inferior and resentful. True communication happens between equals, not from a pedestal. If you catch yourself thinking, How do they not get this?, shift to What’s blocking our understanding?
Superiority: Superiority manifests in many ways—smugness, dismissiveness, intellectual posturing. It signals that you don’t see the other person as an equal, and that’s a fast track to alienation. Even if you feel confident in your perspective, presenting it with condescension makes cooperation impossible. People don’t respond well to being talked down to. Instead, assume good intentions and stay curious.
Terry Real succinctly states, “Functional words or actions on your part enable your partner to do something. Dysfunctional words or actions render your partner helpless.”
If your words make the other person feel powerless, unheard, or diminished, they are working against you. Changing how we communicate—avoiding mimicry, absolutes, haughtiness, and superiority—opens the door to real problem-solving. It’s not about softening your stance but about making sure your words lead to resolution rather than resistance.
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Are you looking for help with your relationship? Do you feel that a relationship coach could help you working on your couples skills? Is communication an issue? Have you ever considered couples therapy or counseling? As a psychotherapist and relationship coach, I am uniquely positioned to help you through these moments of disconnect and conflict.
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