The Anger Workout
What are the two types of anger?
Anger In: Anger turned inward. This often shows up as depression or suppressed hostility.
Anger Out: Anger directed outward—toward people, things, or situations. This is the release of built-up resentment or hostility.
What is the anger cycle?
When anger is expressed outwardly, it’s often followed by guilt. At first, there may be a sense of relief, but that is quickly replaced by remorse for having been too harsh or reactive. This guilt can lead to suppression—holding the anger in—which can spiral into depression. Over time, this inward-directed anger breeds resentment. If the same person triggers irritation again, the pent-up frustration resurfaces, leading to another outburst. The cycle repeats: anger out, guilt, remorse, repression, depression, resentment, and then another outburst. It’s a maladaptive loop that never resolves the core issue.
How does anger differ from hostility and aggression?
Anger is an emotional state—ranging from mild irritation to intense rage.
Hostility includes persistent angry feelings that harden into a set of negative attitudes, often fueling aggression.
Aggression is behavior. It’s the action taken—verbal or physical—that aims to hurt or punish.
What emotions often accompany anger?
Fear, sadness, frustration, guilt, shame, tension, hurt, helplessness, rage, embarrassment, discomfort, confusion, emotional numbness, and the fight-or-flight response. Anger often carries mixed emotions and complex bodily sensations.
Common ways people cope with anger
Repression: Feeling anger but immediately burying it.
Non-feeling: Not recognizing or identifying the anger at all.
Displacement: Redirecting anger toward someone or something else.
Control: Tightly holding in the storm.
Suppression: Aware of the anger but making no move to express it.
Quiet crying: Anger without outlet, which morphs into sadness.
Assertive confrontation: Naming the anger directly and clearly.
Overreaction: Responding with more intensity than the situation warrants.
Anger and loss in a dysfunctional family
Anger at always trying to be good or perfect.
Anger at being in a family that demands so much and gives so little.
Anger at critical parents, even when trying your best.
Anger at oneself for constantly abandoning personal needs.
Anger at emotionally unavailable caregivers.
Anger at addicted or troubled family members.
Anger at those who enable or cover up dysfunction.
Anger at oneself for becoming part of the problem.
How anger is handled in dysfunctional families
Anger is buried to maintain a "good child" image.
Suppressed anger feeds guilt, which feeds depression.
Chronic self-directed anger can harden into hostility.
Buried anger creates hypersensitivity to perceived threats.
Overreactions often stem from unresolved pain.
Anger may morph into blame, projection, or self-hatred.
Rage can erupt and become punitive or destructive.
How can we rethink anger?
Anger signals something isn’t working.
It’s a cue to take action or make a change.
Unresolved anger blocks emotional growth.
It demands that we pay attention to our feelings and stories.
Our thoughts fuel our anger. No angry thought, no angry feeling.
Depression is often suppressed anger.
Chronic hostility can signal deeply buried rage.
Cathartic outbursts often escalate rather than resolve anger.
Anger is teachable and manageable.
Old anger often gets triggered by present situations.
Anger can be channeled into purposeful change.
Venting at people tends to backfire.
Learning to harness anger builds maturity and self-trust.
What can I do with my anger?
Acknowledge it. Don’t avoid or sugarcoat it.
Trace the emotions underneath—fear, sadness, shame, guilt.
Use “I statements” to name how you feel.
Identify the real trigger—past or present.
Use tools like journaling, role play, or empty-chair work to externalize it.
Ask for support in navigating your reactions.
If the anger is about the present moment, stay grounded. Name it. Own it.
Steps for addressing current anger
Step 1: Pause and calm your body.
Breathe deeply. Relax your muscles. Let yourself settle before responding.
Step 2: Identify the trigger.
What provoked the anger—a situation, person, or past wound? Is it real, or a projection?
Step 3: Reframe the situation.
Is this about now, or is it echoing something old?
What’s actually bothering you?
Could the other person be having a hard time?
What are your needs here? What can shift?
Step 4: Take action once you’re clear.
Express your truth with “I statements.”
Name what’s happening.
Explain how the current moment touches on something deeper.
Bring humor, if you can. Lighten the charge without dismissing the truth.
What is an anger workout?
An anger workout is a physical, safe release of anger directed at objects—not people. It gives the body a chance to discharge the built-up energy of frustration or resentment.
Use one or a mix of the following:
Hit a pillow or mattress
Stomp on the floor
Yell in the car with the windows up
Rip up old phone books or newspapers
Punch a bag or hit a bed with a racket
Throw soft objects at a wall
Smash glass safely inside a bag
Dig holes, knead dough, hammer nails
Scream in a field or into a paper bag
Play a physical sport
Write an angry letter—then tear it up
Journal the feelings out
Beat a drum or yell loudly
Practice martial arts
Use repetitive movement to move the energy
Working through unresolved anger
When current anger reveals old wounds, use the following steps:
Go somewhere private with a pillow or cushion.
Get into a grounded position—kneeling or sitting.
Visualize the original hurt: the person, the event, the words.
Hit the pillow and speak the unsaid. Let it out.
Keep going until the intensity shifts.
Once the charge is out, begin to reframe.
Can you see it differently? Can you forgive—if only for your own sake?Write about the shift. What changed? What became forgivable?
If safe and appropriate, share your new understanding with the person. If not, let the resolution live in your own heart.
Repeat the process if that old wound resurfaces.
Improving your relationship with anger
In your journal, reflect on these questions:
How do I define anger?
What situations or people tend to provoke me?
What are my hot-button issues?
How do I typically express anger?
Is my expression healthy or harmful?
How do I feel during and after expressing anger?
What stops me from being honest about my anger?
What are the consequences—positive and negative—of how I express it?
Where does my anger stem from?
How can I become more conscious and constructive with it?
Next, explore unresolved anger:
What anger am I still carrying?
Who am I still angry with?
What events still provoke pain or resentment?
What have I tried so far to work through it?
What’s holding me back from facing it fully?
What does healing look like here?
Feeling moved by this exercise?
This is the kind of inner work that leads to real change—not just insight, but momentum. If you’re exploring personal development or seeking guidance through a transition, I offer one-on-one work that blends deep awareness with actionable clarity.
Awareness is about naming what matters.
Alignment is living in a way that honors it.
Action is choosing again and again to stay in integrity with yourself.
If this exercise stirred something and you’d like support in moving forward, you’re not alone.
Learn more about my approach to life consulting and relationship coaching here or get in touch for your free 30-minute consultation here!
