Taking a Time-Out
Taking a Time-Out: operationalize a way out of conflict
Defensiveness is a symptom of a threatened brain, and if left to its own devices, it will escalate a situation to self-protect. Use time-outs as a circuit breaker A time-out is a rip stop; it is the cord you pull to stop a runaway train: a brake.
Time outs have one job and one job only – to abruptly stop a psychologically violent or unconstructive interaction between you and your partner.
When either partner calls a time-out – by saying the words, “time-out,” by using the “T“ hand signal, or by using any agreed-upon sign – the interaction comes to an immediate stop.
The spoken or gestured signal is understood by both partners to be an abbreviation of the following words:
“Dear partner. For whatever reason, right or wrong, I am about to lose it. If I stay here and keep this up with you I am liable to do or say something stupid that I know I’m going to regret. Therefore I am taking a break to get a grip on myself and calm down. I will check back in with you responsibly.”
Pause. Take some deep breaths.
Take your time-out from the “I”
Calling for a time-out has everything to do with me and NOTHING to do with you. Calling for a time-out means that I don’t like how I am feeling, or what I am doing or about to do. Whether or not you think you have a problem with how you’re behaving or how “it’s” going between us is strictly your business.
Step away saying something like:
I love us too much to keep talking.
I'm feeling defensive. I need a minute.
I'm going to step away and collect myself.
Take distance responsibly:
Time-outs are obviously a form of distance taking, and like all forms of distance taking there are two ways to do it – provocatively or responsibly.
Responsible distance taking has two pieces to it:
An explanation and a promise of return: “This is why I am seeking distance and this is when I intend on coming back.”
Provocative distance taking, by contrast, has neither – you just take the distance without any explanation or taking care of your partner’s anxieties about your leaving. I also speak of provocative distance-taking as incompetent distance-taking since it tends to get you chased.
Make sure to mention the time frame in which you will be coming back so your partner doesn’t feel abandoned.
The difference between regulating yourself and conflict-avoidance is that you take it upon yourself to come back.
Don’t let yourself get stopped:
Time-outs are unilateral. They are your last-ditch effort to avoid immature words or actions. Unlike virtually every other couple’s tool, time outs are a non-negotiable declaration – “I’m leaving.”
You’re not asking permission and you cannot allow yourself to be stopped. Don’t call a time-out and stand there to keep talking! Leave. Leave the room and go into another–a bedroom for example–and close the door.
If your partner won’t leave you alone, then leave the house – with or without the kids, your call. Go down the block for a cup of coffee.
Use check-ins at prescribed intervals:
The default interval for a time-out is 20 minutes. You can specify something else if you like. But if no time is specified, 20 minutes is when you need to check-in.
Since you’re not using a time-out to punish your partner but rather to calm things down, it is critical that you check in with your partner from time to time in order to take the emotional temperature between you.
The suggested intervals are:
an hour
three hours
a half day
a whole day
an overnight
Check-ins can be done in person, by phone or by text.
Remember your goal:
Time-outs are about one thing–stopping in its tracks emotionally violent, immature, destructive behavior. Stopping such behavior in your relationship is a goal that supersedes all other goals.
You may need to work on better communication, more sharing, or negotiation, but none of that will happen until you succeed in wrestling the beast of nasty transactions to the ground.
Whatever point you want to make, whatever the content of the issue, nothing matters more than ending these sorts of transactions – so keep your priorities straight – nothing takes precedence over a time out.
When are you ready to end a time-out? When you and your partner are both reseated enough in your adult selves to have a positive interaction again. That means you too. Don’t return with a grudge or a chip on your shoulder, you’ll just start up again. Come back when you are truly ready to make peace.
Use a twenty-four-hour moratorium on triggering topics:
A mistake a lot of couples make when they re-engage is to try to “process” what just happened. Bad idea. When you come back from a time-out just make nice to each other. Give your partner a hug and a cup of tea. Do NOT try to sort through whatever the topic was that triggered the time out for twenty-four hours.
When you engage in a discussion:
Your work is to shift from defensiveness to non-defensiveness.
From certainty to curiosity.
From self-focused to relationship-focused.
From deflection to accountability.
When we feel defensive, FEAR has taken the wheel, so ask yourself, "What would LOVE do?" Love trusts it's better to be connected than right.
When love takes the wheel, you don't need to feel defensive.
You trust yourself to be connected and empowered. You stop seeing the situation as win-lose. Rather than fighting the other person, you're now fighting FOR connection. Say:
This is a hard moment, but I want to understand what's going on for you.
You seem upset, can you help me understand?
I want us to be on the same team.
Shifting your focus to understanding the other person's perspective isn't abandonment of self. It's not a position of weakness.
Try reflecting back what the other person is saying:
"It sounds like you're feeling X. Do I have that right?"
Make sure you hear all of it: "What else do you want me to understand?"
Later, check in with yourself:
Are you wanting them to see the situation through your eyes or understand your motives? Are you still feeling misunderstood? If so, say something like, "I'd love to talk you through my experience of this situation. Let me know when you're emotionally available for that."
Often there's nothing to solve. Most conflict happens because we feel misunderstood or unheard. But if there is something, you both can shift from understanding to fixing: "I want to figure out how to move ahead/repair/prevent this from happening again."
Feeling moved by this exercise?
This is the kind of inner work that leads to real change—not just insight, but momentum. If you’re exploring personal development or seeking guidance through a transition, I offer one-on-one work that blends deep awareness with actionable clarity.
Awareness is about naming what matters.
Alignment is living in a way that honors it.
Action is choosing again and again to stay in integrity with yourself.
If this exercise stirred something and you’d like support in moving forward, you’re not alone.
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