Being Right vs Being Seen: Breaking the Resentment Loop

Have you ever had the feeling that you’ve done everything right and your partner still doesn’t see you?

You planned ahead. You cleaned the kitchen. You stayed calm. You swallowed your irritation. You did the thing they asked you to do, and maybe even a few extra things for good measure. But instead of appreciation, there’s silence. Or worse, criticism.

You keep putting in the effort, and it keeps falling flat. It’s like what you did never happened. You start to feel invisible. And then, somewhere in the background, resentment begins to kick in.

Eventually, you can’t take it anymore. You bring it up: not from softness, but from accumulation. You say something that sounds like:

“I did all this and you didn’t even notice.”
“You never say thank you.”
“You’re acting like I don’t care, but look at everything I’ve done.”

And now the story becomes about proving what you did, about being right and about defending your goodness.

Instead of whatever the original moment was. Instead of what you felt. Instead of what you needed.

We start out wanting to feel connected and we end up trying to be right.

Terry Real says you can either be right, or you can be married. But I think it’s even deeper than that. It’s not just that being right doesn’t help. It’s that proving ourselves actually takes us further away from the thing we’re craving.

When we’re busy justifying: look how hard I tried, look how much I did, then there’s no space left to be felt. The focus shifts from the relationship to the record.

The irony is that this proving is often driven by something very tender. A quiet wish: Please see me. Please acknowledge what I give. Please make me feel like I matter.

But we rarely say that. Instead, we pull out our receipts. We offer spreadsheets instead of sadness. And soon it’s like we’ve put ourselves on trial. We become the defense attorney, listing evidence of our goodness. We become the prosecutor, pointing out the other’s failures. The case builds, and with it, resentment. Because the more we argue our worth, the more invisible we feel. And eventually, the anger isn’t just at our partner. It turns inward: I did all this, and still it wasn’t enough. I judge myself for over-giving, for trying so hard.

And the result? We don’t get what we need. We get more distance. More defensiveness. More misunderstanding.

And we get stuck in a loop:
The more unseen we feel, the more we try to prove. The more we try to prove, the less we feel felt.

This dynamic is one of the root systems of resentment.

When we can’t name what hurts: when we can’t say “I feel unacknowledged” or “I need to feel appreciated,” we default to demonstrating our worth instead. We try to earn the things that should be freely given.

But connection doesn’t come from performance. It comes from presence. And presence requires vulnerability.

So here’s the shift: Not “look at everything I did,” but “it hurts to feel unseen.” Not “I did my part and you didn’t,” but “I miss feeling close to you.”

This is where something starts to soften. Because now there’s a person in the room, not a case being made.

And this isn’t about muting your needs or pushing yourself down. It’s about advocating from a different place. From longing, not ledger.

Reflection questions

What do you find yourself trying to prove in your relationship?

What happens when you don’t feel acknowledged?

What would it sound like to say how you feel, instead of showing what you did?

More blogs about resentment:

https://www.lilymanne.com/journal/the-source-of-resentment

https://www.lilymanne.com/journal/letting-go-of-grudges-and-resentment

https://www.lilymanne.com/journal/supply-demand-couples-dynamic

Are you looking for help with your relationship? Do you feel that a relationship coach could help you working on your couples skills? Is communication an issue? Have you ever considered couples therapy or counseling? As a psychotherapist and relationship coach, I am uniquely positioned to help you through these moments of disconnect and conflict.

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