Connection, Disconnection and Repair
All relationships have recurring problems. They’re not glitches. They’re part of the system. Psychologist Dan Wile said it well: “When choosing a long-term partner, you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unresolvable problems.”
I think relationships are an ongoing cycle of connection, disconnection, and repair. That’s the rhythm. The trouble starts when we confuse repair with agreement. We’re not always going to agree with our partners. And we’re not supposed to. We’re biologically drawn to people who are different from us. So from the beginning, we’re set up for friction.
Still, we carry this fantasy. That once we find the right person, we’ll land in some stable state of peaceful connection. But the real arc of relationships is much messier: closeness, rupture, repair. Repeat. The work isn’t about avoiding conflict. It’s about learning how to live inside that loop with less panic and more skill.
So how do we do that?
We start by accepting the cycle. Conflict and disconnection aren’t signs of irrevocable damage. They’re just part of being in relationship. That shift in expectation alone is a kind of relief.
Then we learn to repair. Real repair isn’t about winning an argument or getting an apology. It’s about being willing to listen: not to convince, but to understand. It’s sitting in the discomfort of not having one clear truth. It’s resisting the pull to prove your side and choosing instead to be in the mud with each other.
Another essential skill is learning how to interrupt conflict as it’s unfolding. To recognize, in real time, when you’re about to get swept away. That’s mindfulness. That’s what meditation or breathwork or any grounding practice is training you for: to come back, again and again, from reactivity into presence.
We don’t get taught how to do this. Most of us go into relationships with a vague sense that we should just know how to communicate. But repair is a skill. Listening is a skill. Interrupting conflict before it spirals is a skill. And like any skill, it can be practiced.
Here are four tools that can help:
The Most Generous Interpretation (Dr. Becky-inspired)
Use this when you’re emotionally activated and want to shift into a more generous, grounded view before reacting.
A mindset shift: Curiosity over assumption.
What happened?
Just the facts. What was said or done?What’s the story I’m telling myself about it?
e.g., “They don’t care,” “They’re avoiding me,” “They’re blaming me.”What might have made this moment hard for them?
Stress, shame, distraction, overwhelm?What might I not be seeing?
Their fears, background noise, their unspoken hopes or efforts?How would I want them to interpret me if the roles were reversed?
What’s the version of me I’d want them to hold onto?What could I say that invites curiosity, not defense?
e.g., “Can you tell me what was going on for you just then?”
Couple’s Dialogue Exercise: Getting Out of the Story Together
Use this during or after a conflict to slow down, reflect, and reconnect. Read the questions aloud to each other, taking turns. Don’t interrupt. Listen first. Then switch.
Set the tone
Sit facing each other. Take a few breaths. You’re not here to agree. You’re here to understand.
Partner A shares first. Partner B listens.
Here’s the story I started telling myself about what happened…
Not “you did…”—just your internal narrative.What I felt in my body when that story took over was…
Describe a sensation: tension, heat, collapse, tightness.The part of me that got activated was…
Old wound? Fear of being dismissed, controlled, abandoned?Now, I’m trying to imagine what might have been hard for you in that moment…
Make a guess. Be gentle.What I might not have seen or understood about you is…
What I want you to know about my intention is…
What you were really trying to do, say, or ask for—even if it didn’t land well.
Switch roles. Repeat.
Optional closing:
What’s one thing we each want to carry forward from this exchange?
Listening Practice: Understanding Over Convincing
This one is simple but not easy. The goal is not to win the argument or defend your version of the facts. The goal is to create more understanding between two people who love each other but don’t see the moment the same way.
Before you begin:
Wait until both of you are calm. If you’re activated, pause.
Assume that each of your realities is valid. You’re not debating facts. You’re naming experiences.
There is no single objective truth in a fight. There are two subjective perspectives, both shaped by history, emotion, and interpretation.
Get centered. Speak from the part of you that is flexible, respectful, and willing to understand.
Tone is everything.
If you can’t drop the tone, don’t speak. Your partner will hear your tone more than your words.
If you’re the speaker:
Use “I” language. Speak about your experience, not your partner’s behavior.
Keep it short: two to three sentences at a time. That’s the limit for real listening when emotions are high.
Stay focused on one incident. Don’t generalize. Avoid “you always” or “you never.”
Express how you felt and what it reminded you of, rather than what they did wrong.
Be thoughtful. Don’t try to persuade. Just say how it felt for you.
Offer one or two concrete things that might help next time. Make it actionable, not abstract.
If you’re the listener:
Your job is not to agree. Your job is to understand.
Drop your agenda. Don’t rebut or defend. This isn’t a debate.
Think of yourself as a customer service rep. If someone says their microwave is broken, you don’t say, “Well, my toaster is broken too.” You listen. You acknowledge the issue.
Take notes if that helps you stay focused. Listening is a discipline.
Turn points of tension into questions. Stay curious about their experience.
Even if you disagree with the details, hear the feeling. The emotional truth matters more than the literal one.
Common mistakes to watch for:
Over-talking. When we don’t feel heard, we tend to talk louder or longer. That rarely helps.
Bringing in extra examples to bolster your case. Stay with the moment at hand.
Sarcasm, contempt, or eye-rolling. These are poison. If they come up, pause.
Trying to prove a point. This isn’t about proving anything.
This is how you learn to speak and listen in a way that builds the relationship, not just your case.
Emotional Manual: What Helps Me When I'm Struggling
This exercise helps you and your partner understand what care and connection actually look like when things are hard. Everyone has a different nervous system. Everyone needs different things.
Instructions:
Each of you fill this out on your own. Be honest. Don’t overthink. Afterward, read your answers to each other out loud. No fixing. No debating. Just listen.
How I feel cared for when I’m upset
Examples:
“When you sit next to me and don’t say anything.”
“When you ask if I want a hug before giving one.”
“When you check in later without pressure.”What not to do when I’m dysregulated
Examples:
“Don’t give me advice or tell me to calm down.”
“Don’t walk away without saying anything.”
“Don’t ask me questions too quickly.”One sentence that calms me down
Examples:
“You don’t have to be okay right now.”
“I’m with you.”
“We’ll figure this out together.”One way I shut down that’s easy to miss
Examples:
“I get quiet and seem fine, but I’m not.”
“I make jokes to cover how overwhelmed I feel.”
“I start cleaning or doing things to avoid feeling.”The best way to reconnect with me after a rupture
Examples:
“A small gesture means more than a big apology.”
“Physical closeness helps, even if we don’t talk.”
“I need you to name what happened, even briefly.”
Once you’ve both read your answers to each other, pause. Let it land. You don’t have to do anything with the information right away. Just knowing what matters to your partner—and letting them know what matters to you—is a big step.
You can revisit this anytime. You’re not supposed to get it perfect. The goal is to know each other better in the moments that usually go wrong.
Are you looking for help with your relationship? Do you feel that a relationship coach could help you working on your couples skills? Is communication an issue? Have you ever considered couples therapy or counseling? As a psychotherapist and relationship coach, I am uniquely positioned to help you through these moments of disconnect and conflict.
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Learn more about my approach to life consulting and relationship coaching here or get in touch for your free 30-minute consultation here! Don’t forget to follow along @LilyManne on social for more regular updates!
