Tools to Deal with Knee Jerk Reactions (Free Worksheets)
I don't know about the rest of you, but my in-the-moment, knee-jerk reaction when I'm triggered comes so fast that I can hardly manage to slow it down. Over the years I’ve been compiling tools to help me deal with my reactions. These tools are geared toward couples, but they work for all relationships: teenage children can trigger us just as fast, and so can anyone else we feel vulnerable enough with to get activated.
We all get swept up in our stories. We all need help catching ourselves before we say something we don't mean, and repairing it when we do.
If you want to go deeper on why we react the way we do, The Real Reason You Get Triggered and Reacting Isn't Deciding are good places to start.
The tools here cover three things: bringing awareness to myself once triggered, repairing the damage if I say something hurtful, and communicating in a way that avoids future disconnection.
We often try to be passive and get in trouble for it. Terry Real, the innovator of Relational Mindfulness, calls the alternative "soft power": standing up for yourself and the relationship instead of sweeping things under the rug or just reacting.
Instead of being reactive, we become intentional. We ask for what we want with kindness and respect, even when the other person is being an asshole. When we react to an asshole like an asshole, nothing changes. Someone has to stop playing the same game. As Terry Real says: "it's about standing up for yourself and asking for what you want while cherishing your partner in the same breath."
Soft power is the difference between "Don't talk to me like that!" and "I want to hear what you have to say. Could you say it differently so I can listen?"
The PDFs included here cover strategies for facilitating smoother couples' discussions as well as individual self-reflections and prompts.
“How to Be A Great Listener” is a classic Gottman Institute PDF with lots of suggestions for better communication strategies, especially listening.
Healthy communication starts with calming the body: Mindfulness as Brain Training, Mindfulness and The Default Mode Network, and Emotional Containment: The Iron Dome and Insulation.
For what to actually do in the moment, The Pause Before the Shout and Practicing New Moves Under Stress are practical and specific.
“Feel the Fear Exercise” and “Feel the Feelings Strategy” are both helpful to go inside and become aware of your own emotions, thoughts, self-talk, and physical sensations. By being present with the distilled version of our feelings, we stop attaching old stories and our judgments.
The following tools are helpful for changing communication patterns:
"Hallmarks of Effective Communication"
“How To Take A Time Out When Arguing” and “The Antidote to Flooding” explain taking time outs and how to use them effectively.
“The Gottman Repair Checklist” and “Building Your Secure Cycle Worksheet with Repairs” offer some helpful repairs to help pull you out of a conflict.
"Alexandra Solomon’s: Can I hear you back?" gives an alternative way to react and discuss when a potentially difficult conversation comes up.
“The Gottman-Rapoport Intervention” offers a different way to discuss issues that you disagree about.
“Processing a Conflict” is a structure to discuss a past conflict, regrettable incident, hurt feelings, fight or disagreeable situation. The intervention is drawn from both Terry Real’s work and John & Julie Gottman.
The first time you try something new can feel awkward, but with each round of practice, you get better and more comfortable. The neural pathways involved become more well-traveled, gradually forming a new, dominant route. But you have to start and interrupt the old pattern.
If you'd like to work through any of this with someone, you're welcome to book a free thirty-minute consultation here.
