The Good Girl and the Big One: Choosing Values over Reactivity
When I’m with Niels’s parents, I sometimes feel the pull of an old script. I can give and give, time, patience, effort, and it never feels like enough. In some ways, I suspect I will never be enough for them. Perhaps that is the quiet truth of many families: the partner is rarely seen as fully worthy of their child. Add in the culture clash and the language barrier, and it is a recipe for me overextending myself, smiling through long hours of conversation, trying to prove something that cannot really be proven.
Inside, I notice three possible moves. The good girl in me wants to keep giving, to keep pleasing, to show that I can be enough. The reactive part of me wants to shut down, withhold, pull back, become cold. And then there is a third way: being the big one. This is a phrase I first used with my kids. If Skyler hit Luca, I would ask Luca to be the big one, not to hit back. It was a call to behave from his most generous self, not from reactivity. For me now, the big one means the same thing: a call to live within my values, to act from choice rather than from fear or reflex.
This is not just about in-laws. Think of a friend who always seems to give less, the one who comes to your house but never hosts you, who talks about themselves but rarely asks about you. My first instinct in those moments is to mirror them. If they are selfish, I will be selfish. If they withhold, I will withhold. It is a reflex, but it does not sit well in me. It leaves me out of sync with my values.
That is the deeper split I have started to see. The good girl and the reactive self are both forms of rigidity. They look opposite, one says yes to everything, the other says no in cold withdrawal, but structurally they serve the same purpose. Both are defenses. The good girl protects against the shame of letting others down. The reactive self protects against the vulnerability of staying open when others fall short. Both protect the ego from the harder work of tolerating discomfort. Neither path requires subtlety or real choice.
Being the big one does. It requires listening inward, noticing what feels right, and choosing from there. Sometimes that means saying no, even if it disappoints. Sometimes it means saying yes, even if the other person is stingy or selfish, because generosity is who I want to be. The choice is not automatic. It is not a reflex. It is grounded.
This difference is subtle, but it matters. The reactive paths, pleasing or withholding, are easier because they come with certainty. The values-based path is harder because it asks you to sit with ambiguity, to disappoint, and to give without scorekeeping. It requires ego strength to live in that middle place.
Reflection Questions:
When do I say yes out of fear of disapproval rather than from genuine desire?
What is my first instinct when I feel someone else’s selfishness or stinginess? Do I mirror it back, or stay with my own values?
How do I recognize the difference between a reactive response and a values-based choice in myself?
Can I tolerate the discomfort of letting others down without collapsing into guilt or resentment?
What would it mean, in my life right now, to step into the role of the big one?
Are you interested in working on your personal development? Are you looking for a life coach or a life consultant? Are you feeling stagnant? Do you want to jumpstart change?
My transformational approach is a process where awareness, alignment, and action work together as catalysts to create momentum for change.
*Awareness is knowing what you genuinely want and need.
*Alignment is the symmetry between our values and our actions. It means our inner and outer worlds match.
*Action is when you are conscious that what you say, do and think are in harmony with your values.
Together we build an understanding of what you want to accomplish, and delve deeply into building awareness around any thoughts and assumptions that you may already have. To truly transform your life, I will empower you to rethink what’s possible for you.
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