Why Forgiveness Without Accountability Fails: Proactive Ownership in Relationships

When Forgiveness Comes Too Soon

For as long as she could remember, birthdays had been a big deal in her family. They were the one day each year that was completely yours, the day everyone made sure you felt celebrated. It was a tradition she carried into adulthood, and it mattered to her.

So when Daniel pointed to the oversized cardboard box in the corner of the room and said, “That’s your present,” she was curious. She noticed the half-peeled packing tape, the flaps bulging, a roll of unused wrapping paper slumped in the corner of the room. Disappointment began to creep in, like a stowaway.

Inside were three dresses. Not her style. She had not worn a dress in years. She hated how her legs looked in dresses. He knew that. She was still working on it.

She felt her face change before she could stop it. She knew he would be upset if she didn’t react with joy.

Daniel saw it and said, “You always have such high expectations.”

The gift had already missed the mark, but now she was holding something heavier than the dresses: the weight of being blamed for her own disappointment.

Later, in therapy, Daniel recounted this story. His wife said he could never volunteer a sorry and when he did, it was because he was backed into a corner.

This made me think about how often we complain about a lack of sorry’s, when what we are really talking about is accountability. A genuine sorry is more than a word. It is the act of taking responsibility when we have hurt someone. Daniel’s story was about more than a sorry.

The Childhood Blueprint

Daniel grew up with a mother who took everything personally. If he did not like dinner, it was not about the food; it was a rejection of her. If he was upset about something at school, she assumed she had caused it. Her shame was constant and easily triggered, so Daniel learned to protect her feelings by suppressing his own.

There was another risk. If her feelings were hurt, she would tell his father, who punished quickly and without discussion. His father’s aggression was quick and final. Power decided who was right. No one in that house admitted fault. No one repaired.

In that environment, taking responsibility was dangerous. It invited more blame and shame. Daniel learned to put up walls fast. He avoided admitting fault. He avoided the feelings underneath the wall, because feeling them could lead to expressing them, and that meant risk.

As an adult, once he began to see the system he grew up in, his instinct was to forgive his parents immediately. They did not know any better. It was not their fault. It sounded generous, but it was a bypass. Forgiveness without accountability meant he never fully acknowledged what had happened to him. Without that step, he could not separate what was theirs from what was his.

Proactive Ownership

Proactive Ownership is the ability to notice when you have caused harm and take responsibility without needing someone else to name it for you. It is a cornerstone of trust and repair in adult relationships. If I have to point out what you did, I cannot believe you will catch yourself next time, and I am convinced the pattern will repeat.

It is difficult to practice proactive ownership in adulthood if you have never practiced internal accountability with the people who shaped you. If you have never allowed yourself to see clearly that someone hurt you, and to feel that hurt without softening it, you have not built the muscle that lets you see and name your own impact in real time. Daniel’s premature forgiveness kept him bound to his parents’ shame. It was a loyalty, an invisible thread.

This kind of loyalty is not the warm, protective kind. It is the loyalty of entanglement. When you grow up in a family where shame and blame are constant, you learn to carry pieces of that shame as if it is yours. It becomes a way of staying connected to the people who gave it to you. You keep it because letting go would mean seeing them clearly, and seeing them clearly might mean feeling the anger, grief, or betrayal you have spent years avoiding. Holding on to their shame can feel safer than facing what it would take to separate from it. And as long as you keep carrying it, you are still in the old system, playing your old role. It feels like loyalty, but it is really another way of being stuck.

Breaking the Loop

The work was not about convincing Daniel to stop forgiving his parents. It was about slowing him down before he forgave. It was about letting him feel the anger, naming the specific harms without softening them, and practicing the words: I give you back your shame. I give back the way I could not speak my feelings.

This is uncomfortable work. The body resists it. But when you can stay in that discomfort, something shifts. You begin to notice moments when you are defending, when you are building walls. Sometimes you can stop it before it happens. Sometimes you catch it right after and own your impact before someone else says, “That was not okay.”

That is the point of change. Daniel could now hold his parents accountable in his own mind without getting stuck in blame or shame. He no longer erased the discomfort but could see what was his in the present moment and choose differently.

His wife had been patient, though often doubtful. There were many moments she wondered if he would ever be able to take responsibility without being pushed. The first time he noticed her disappointment and owned it, she thought back to that birthday box. What mattered was not the wrapping or the gift, but that he finally saw her.

Are you interested in working on your personal development? Are you looking for a life coach or a life consultant? Are you feeling stagnant? Do you want to jumpstart change?

 My transformational approach is a process where awareness, alignment, and action work together as catalysts to create momentum for change. 

*Awareness is knowing what you genuinely want and need.

*Alignment is the symmetry between our values and our actions. It means our inner and outer worlds match.

*Action is when you are conscious that what you say, do and think are in harmony with your values.

Together we build an understanding of what you want to accomplish, and delve deeply into building awareness around any thoughts and assumptions that you may already have. To truly transform your life, I will empower you to rethink what’s possible for you.

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